This summer, Elizabeth Stix debuts her hilarious, timely and unusual collection of stories, Things I Want Back from You. Get a FIRST LOOK at the cover for this exciting, upcoming book and preorder now so you can add it to your summer reading list! Enjoy an excerpt below.

Things I Want Back from You by Elizabeth Stix

Through twenty interconnected tales, she tells the story of everything from a wife whose husband turns into a dirigible and follows her everywhere, to a pair of neglected siblings dealing with a parasitic worm, and even an aspiring life coach who attends a seminar that goes wildly awry. Each focusing on themes of redemption, connection and facing one’s deepest flaws.

Preorder the book now: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Excerpt from Things I Want Back from You, forthcoming June 14, 2024

While I Am Away

Dear Addison,

Thank you so much for dogsitting Niffy while I am at the “Re-Birthing a New You” Life Coaching conference. It’s such a relief to me that you can come on short notice. What a coup that your dad is having bypass surgery so you’re in town to visit from Chicago. It makes me a bit nervous to go away without meeting you face to face, but your craigslist ad in “Temporary Housing Sought” says you are an animal lover, and I have a good feeling about this.

Here are a few bits of information that will help you on your stay.

FOOD: Niffy gets two scoops of Dr. Phalangan’s Organic Venison kibble every day at 5 p.m. She is also accustomed to eating the last bite of whatever you are having, and licking the plate when you are done. You don’t have to do this, but if you don’t do it, please give her extra affection at the end of the meal because she will probably be upset. You can stroke her head and along her muzzle and talk to her while you do this, and it should calm her down. If this doesn’t work, you can open up a chamomile teabag and sprinkle it onto some warm rice with plain yogurt and a mushed up banana. This will relax her. Or you can just let her lick your plate.

STREET FOOD: She is not allowed to eat any “food” she finds on the street, and she knows this. She is allowed to dig in the yard next door and eat whatever “kitty almond roca” she finds buried by the neighbor’s cat, Munch. The neighbor’s name is Kimberly, and she has agreed to this (San Encanto has a great mediation program, by the way, should you ever need it).

WALKS: Niff-Niff gets two walks a day, one at 11 am and one at 3 pm. Hopefully you can coordinate your visits to your dad around this, as she will pee on her bedding if you are late. There are leash laws here so you have to put her on the long, retractable leash when you go out (they do ticket), but make sure you let Niffy lead you and choose the route. She generally sticks to the sidewalk but there are a few “off-the-beaten” paths she likes to check out, so wear long pants to protect your legs from bramble. There’s a cafe about six blocks north with a nice outdoor patio, and you can stop there and get a coffee. Technically you are not allowed to bring dogs onto the patio, so choose a table in the corner and do your best to keep Niff under your legs. This is especially crucial when you are letting her lick your plate.

GAMES: Her favorite game is when you get on the ground and pretend to be a dog with her. She does not like to play with the other dogs at the dog park (she is very smart and frankly is more interested in adult conversation) so it’s important that she get the benefits of dog-like interactions from you. Basically, just get on your hands and knees in the living room, stick your butt in the air in a playful way, and wag it around a little while you growl at her and make occasional, sudden barks. She will watch you do this for a few minutes and then become engaged with you, doing the same movements back. Once she is interacting with you like this, you can swing your hips so that you knock into her with your butt, while barking. Also put your hand on top of her paw in a dominance gesture. She will “teethe” you and “mouth” you in an effort to reclaim dominance. This just means she is fully engaged and playing. She will not draw blood. If she does, just wipe it off and try not to get it on the carpet. It’s important that you not chastise her for this, as it is normal canine behavior and would confuse her if you did, especially since you were the one who initiated it. If she hurts you and you can’t conceal it from her and you have to stop playing, please placate and reassure her so she knows that it isn’t her fault. She generally likes to play this game before bed, around 11 pm each night.

HYGIENE: Just a heads up: if you get your period while you are here, please use tampons and flush them down the toilet. If you use maxi-pads, don’t toss them in the bathroom trash (or any trash can inside the house), as Niffster likes to shred them. Please wrap them in newspaper and bring them to the large garbage bin in the back yard and strap the lid down with a bungee cord. (The cord is important because she can get in the can without it and has been known to strew the shredded pads across the sidewalk… whoops!) If you can’t figure out how to strap the cord back on in the criss-cross pattern after you take it off, have a look at Kimberly’s can next door. She is a pro at it and apparently finds it something of a “big deal.”

SPARE KEYS: If you get locked out, the nearest spare key is with my mother, Gert. She lives a half-hour away with my stepdad, Gebhardt, and it’s fine if you call her in case of emergency. She has cataracts so she doesn’t like to drive at night – but she will – so if you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call her at any hour, day or night. If it rolls to her voicemail, keep calling and she does eventually pick up. If she sounds annoyed, just try to power through it. Don’t take it personally. It’s just the way she interacts with the world.

I tried to organize a key swap with my neighbors, but no one wanted to do it after the whole “maxi-pads-in-the-street” incident. Ironically, that was the incident that brought the neighborhood together, in my opinion – everyone came outside when they heard Kimberly screaming at me. Suddenly all the neighbors can communicate! “It’s not appropriate that your dog shits on my property!” “My backyard is not a public thoroughfare!” Their arms all akimbo – everyone loves to egg on a fight. But I don’t begrudge them their resistance. If it will bring people together, I am willing to take the fall for that.

If my mother doesn’t pick up, you can also jimmy the bathroom window.

CONTACTS: You can reach me at any of the numbers below if you need me. By the way, I’ve left the conference brochure for you to look at. It’s a really exceptional group. People who want to help others. People who are not afraid of connection. People who will not talk about setting boundaries with me, as if boundaries are a good thing, something to strive for, without realizing that boundaries are the precise thing that keeps people apart. They may have chapters in Chicago if you want to look into it when you get home. (Just as an aside, I have never been to the Windy City and you planted the seed in my head when you said you are from there. I’ve actually been looking into plane fares because I have some free time since I’m not technically working now. Maybe you could show me around – or I could stay at your place for a few days so we could be “even-steven.” I don’t want you to feel indebted to me for putting you up while your dad is recovering.) (You know, I am happy to go visit your dad if he is still in the ICU when I get back. I would like to do that for you.)

I think that’s it, Addison. It means the world to me that you are going to take such good care of my Niff-Niff. I’m so very excited to do this, and so very hopeful. And while I am away, please reassure Niffy that I’m coming back for her, stronger and happier and with a support system in place, for both of us. I’m not leaving her. I don’t want her to worry about that. Nothing bad will happen. There will be no grim consequences, as my therapist says. I have to step over this threshold now, and in one week I will come back. Please hold down the fort while I am gone, Addison. In the end, we only have each other.

With immense gratitude,

Spirit Rosenblatt

Elizabeth Stix

About Elizabeth Stix

Bay Area native Elizabeth Stix writes, edits, and oversleeps in Berkeley, California. Her stories have appeared in McSweeney’s, Tin House, Boulevard, The Los Angeles Times Sunday magazine, and elsewhere. She has contributed to numerous anthologies, including Best Microfiction 2019, Drivel, and 642 Things About You (That I Love). Her work was performed live at the New Short Fiction Series in LA, and her story “Alice” was optioned by Sneaky Little Sister Films.